Hi all, So below is my essay. I am just under the word count, and all of the things I put on there I want to include, which is why I didn't expand on one particular thing too much. Just keep that in mind I guess. Also, "NMH" is a small boarding school. Thanks!
Growing up in rural Woodstock, New York, and later attending NMH in western Massachusetts, I have always had a desire to live in an urban setting. Nestled in the heart of Boston, BU is not only a good fit in terms of location, but it also has an immense student body. At NMH, I was exposed to people from diverse cultures and backgrounds, and at BU, a school whose student body is composed of 20% international students, I can continue that on a larger scale.
There are many other reasons why BU is a great fit for me. I am an avid downhill skier, and started racing my freshman year of high school. At BU, I can continue to do what I love by joining the Alpine club, while also trying out new clubs and finding other interests. Community service, specifically working with kids, is very important to me, and I could take advantage of the opportunities that the BU Community Service Center provides, specifically the “Siblings” program. Most importantly for me, BU provides an international education. I traveled to Turkey last year with my school, and since then, It has been my dream to combine international travel with education. BU has study abroad locations on six continents, a large student population in a metropolitan area, an alpine ski club, outreach programs, and a world-class education, making it the perfect place for me to cultivate my current passions while planting the seeds for new ones.
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This is only my first draft paper, so it is surely not good enough. Any comments, thoughts? Really hoping to see your reviews!
PS: Does anyone think that course no.(CAS PH 155 A1)is necessary? Since this essay is a little bit more than the specified words here.(256/250)
Passionate about both philosophy and political science, I find BU's emphasis put on interdisciplinary studies particularly appealing. I would be thrilled to join the college of arts & science and pursue membership in BU's exceptional Philosophy and Political Science program. Through course like "Politics and Philosophy"(CAS PH 155 A1), I shall be enchanted with the opportunity to explore questions associated with these two subjects, such as " Can and should politics be conducted philosophically?" "What legitimizes the exercise of government power?", with professor Griswold, an impressive specialist in Moral and Political Philosophy. I am very confident I will be cultivated the most sophisticated philosophical skills of analysis, expression and argumentation from not only this course but also many others as well as inspiring.
In addition, I have always believed that diverse experiences contributed essentially to one's growth. And I shall continue to diversify my campus life at Boston University, a place full of diverse people, groups and researches. Outside the classroom, I hope to join Feminist Political Philosophy Reading Group to exchange opinions with people from the world and engage myself in energetic conversations. Also, I intend to immerse myself in hundreds of cutting-edge researches offered by Undergraduate Research Opportunity Program. Among them, a program related to sociology particularly excited me. I wish to volunteer as research assistant for a project on immigrant families with autistic children. Working with professor Nazil Kibria, I shall apply my knowledge on statistics effectively and gain experience in qualitative research methods. My mother language, Chinese, also well fits this program.
HI Jessica, there is no need for you to include the course code in your essay. The university reviewer will automatically know which class you mean if you mention the actual course. If you want to bring your word count down even more, use the course code instead. The reviewer will still know what you are talking about. Now, on to other matters.
I would not speak of the diverse campus experience at BU if you have not yet done an actual campus immersion or visit. That is because the diversity experience is not something that you can explain away in a theoretical form. You need to have actually experienced it and detail the event in your own words and experience. It cannot be based on research or interviews of alumna.
Another out of place section is the mention of Chinese as fitting well into the program. Since you are not allowed enough words to actually explain why speaking Chinese makes you a good fit for BU, it is senseless to present the information in your essay. If you can't expand on an explanation, it is best not to include it in the essay. You don't want to leave the reviewer wondering about what you mean by mentioning Chinese as fitting into the program because you left the topic sentence hanging.
Overall, the essay content that you have really is a good fit for the prompt. The only possible problem content that I can see so far, are those that I mentioned above. While I think you should totally skip the diverse experience reference, you can adjust the other parts of the essay (you make the choice) so that you can better explain the Chinese language reference that you made. It's a pretty strong draft and you should be proud of what you have written so far.
Passionate about both philosophy and political science it sounds undecided to me. I can't tell if you are referring to someone else here or yourself being passionate about something.
I enjoyed your essay and it's good. I agree with Holt, you should make those changes and your essay will be much better.
I hope to read your revised response to the prompt.
Hi Jessica, as I go through your essay, I must say you are trying hard to get or showcase a different approach for this prompt, though this is good and normally work, this is not the same situation in this particular essay. When you need to prove your worth to be a part of an institution, you don't just provide them with information on what you are passionate you also need to support this with academic agenda, plans that you will pursue when you get in and will become part of the institution.
Moreover, once you have established your side of the matter, integrate a few sentences that will showcase the strength of BU and incorporate this to the agenda that you want to pursue, make sure that the collaboration will prove that there is a connection and both parties will benefit from it. Furthermore, diversity is always a good factor to consider, however, this is one aspect of an institution that is readily available and has always been used in most essays,now, I'm not saying you go beyond the norms, I'm just saying, it will do you good if you go above and beyond.
Overall, you're initial draft is off to a good start, just ensure that the revised one is stronger and will tap all the necessary aspects of proving your worth, yes, passion and dreams will get you somewhere, however, you have to make sure that it is one of a kind and above all, true and correct to your intentions and aspirations.
Thank you very much for your advice!
There is actually a problem. Since I'm not living in the USA, I didn't get the chance to pay a visit to the university and therefore I get most information from the internet and school's website. However, based on those infos, one of BU's most impressive characteristics is indeed diversity. And I also want to tell the school how much I wish to join their diverse research programs and clubs. Should I include this in my essay or I just skip it and try to find another point for my essay? (Like I learned that half of the undergrads at BU participated in international programs in 80 countries. This is very impressive for such a large university and fulfills my wish to get a chance to study abroad. Will this be better?)
Yeah, actually when I later on read my first sentence, "Passionate about..." is not so convincing. It seems that I cannot elaborate more here due to the word limit. I'll try if I can improve this or I'll just skip it and start my essay in another way.
Please also share your thoughts when I'm done with my revised prompt!!
Hi! Thank you so much for your advice, they are of great help to me!
Sorry but just to make sure I didn't get you wrong. So as you suggest, instead of merely stating what I want to do, I should also include and emphasize the part about what I can do to the school? Is that right? Also, could you please explain more on "go above and beyond the diversity"? I'm a bit confused.
You can actually skip the part about the diversity discussion in your essay because you cannot refer to a personal experience regarding it. However, you can continue to use the latter part of that paragraph because it ties in directly with your prior statement. It is a continuing or updated response to the question posed. It further strengthens the academic reasons as to why BU is a good fit for you in terms of academic and civic development on your part.
Speaking of which, you will need to move up the reference you made to Prof. Nazil Kibria to a separate, stand alone paragraph. Try to expand on that explanation as a second paragraph because it showing your familiarity with the academic staff and course offerings of the university show that you are comfortable with the academic demands of the university, thus making this university a perfect fit for you.
I'll refrain from additional comments as I would like to see your revised essay before I proceed. I may add or change my instructions for you based upon how you revise the paper.
Thanks a lot!
Here is my revised essay. Due to word limit, after elaborating on the second point, there is no room for me to talk about other things. Is it too specific or it's ok this way? Looking forward to your advice!
I am very attracted to BU's emphasis put on interdisciplinary studies. While I could not imagine exploring political and social issues without considering in a philosophical way, BU's exceptional Philosophy and Political Science programI enchants me with the possibility of pursuing both these disciplines. I would be thrilled to join this fascinating program at BU.Through course like "Politics and Philosophy", I shall explore thoughtful questions, " Can and should politics be conducted philosophically?" "What legitimizes the exercise of government power?"etc, with professor Griswold, an impressive specialist in Moral and Political Philosophy. I am very confident I will be cultivated to grasp the most sophisticated philosophical skills of analysis, expression and argumentation from not only this course but also many others as well as inspiring at BU.
In addition, I am astonished at so many impressive research opportunities on campus. I intend to immerse myself in hundreds of cutting-edge researches offered by Undergraduate Research Opportunity Program. Among them, one related to sociology particularly excited me. I wish to volunteer as research assistant for a project on immigrant families with autistic children, with a focus on South Asia. As an asian myself, my Chinese skills and cultural experience might contribute new insights to this program. Furthermore, not only could I apply my knowledge on statistics effectively and gain experience in qualitative research methods, but also I shall further understand inter-connections of race and immigration through working with professor Nazil Kibria, an expert in this field.
Hi Jessica, it occurred to me that there is actually a way to shorten the essay even further so I decided to show you how it can be taken down to just a mere 216 words. Please see my version of your statement below:
I was initially attracted to the emphasis that BU places on interdisciplinary studies. I found myself drawn to the Philosophy and Political Science program because of the way that BU combines the studies of the two seemingly unrelated disciplines. I now find myself excited at the thought of attending the Moral and Political Philosophy class taught by Prof. Griswold and answering questions like "Would it be possible to conduct a philosophical discussion of politics and philosophy in relation to one another?" These sorts of class discussions would not be possible at other universities in the same way that I can experience it at BU.
The various Undergraduate Research Opportunity programs are another reason why I know that BU and I can have a synergized relationship. I am particularly interested in becoming a volunteer research assistant focusing on South Asia where I feel that my Chinese skills and cultural experince can bring a fresh set of ideas to the program. I am particularly looking forward to working in the field of race and immigration since I thirst to develop my qualitative research methods while working closely with Prof. Nazil kibria.
All of these reasons combined, have convinced me that BU and I are a perfect, synergetic fit be it in all fields of academics and socio-civic interests.
If you are interested in using this version as is, then go ahead and so so. I won't mind. Otherwise, this can serve as an example for you to base your next version on. I decided to so this because I felt that your essay was good but needed to be more focused and less wordy. I hope you can see that those objectives were attained in the version above.
This version is awesome!!!!
As I read this version, I feel it really smooth and it seems that it's much more focused than before.
I really appreciate for your help!!!